Popular one-liners!

I received a forwarded mail containing loads of hilarious quotes from popular cartoon strip Dilbert. I have added some of my own and thought I'd share all of them with you and enable you to have a laugh.

I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
Born free, taxed to death.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
If freedom of speech is a fundamental right, why are telephone calls charged?
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon !
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker at the end.
Someday is not a day of the week.
A beautiful girl is like a song, because after you get hooked you will face the music.
Don't marry for money, it is cheaper to borrow.
You can kick a bike and it will get turned on. You can't even imagine doing that to your girlfriend.